When you really want to know how someone is doing, what’s the best way to ask?
In a recent podcast interview, I mention how meaningless and ineffective the question “how are you?” has become. It’s basically like saying “hi.” Almost no one feels like it’s a genuine invitation to really connect.
A meaningful and effective check-in is an art form. There are so many ways to do it, and it depends on the relationship. Here are some practical suggestions to try out.
Checking in on a friend:
Checking in on a direct report:
Checking in on a child after school:
Checking in on a partner:
Whomever you’re checking in with, here is my top suggestion:
Be specific!
Before you talk to them, think back to some challenging thing they faced recently. Maybe it was a snag in a project, a difficult interaction with a friend or client, or an illness that lasted way too long.
Then, whatever it was, check in with them on that pain point.
For instance: “Hey, I know that person/assignment/customer/friend/project really sapped your energy last week. How are you holding up? Have you had a chance to catch your breath?”
Just a simple change from “how are you?” to something much more specific communicates three things:
A specific check-in takes time, thoughtfulness, empathic attention, and genuine care. Those are key ingredients to compassionate communication. And in terms of laying groundwork for a genuine connection, they simply can’t be beat.
A meaningful and effective check-in is an art form. There are so many ways to do it, and it depends on the relationship. Here are some practical suggestions to try out.
Checking in on a friend:
- What’s something that’s true of you today?
- What’s taking up your headspace lately?
- What’s getting most of your time and energy these days?
Checking in on a direct report:
- What’s something you feel confident or energized about right now?
- What’s something you’re unsure of, concerned about, or unmotivated to do, right now?
- How can I support you?
Checking in on a child after school:
- How did you show kindness today?
- When did you feel most proud of yourself today?
- What was the hardest part of today?
Checking in on a partner:
- What’s something I did this week that made you feel loved?
- What’s something that’s weighing heavily on you right now?
- What’s capturing your imagination lately?
Whomever you’re checking in with, here is my top suggestion:
Be specific!
Before you talk to them, think back to some challenging thing they faced recently. Maybe it was a snag in a project, a difficult interaction with a friend or client, or an illness that lasted way too long.
Then, whatever it was, check in with them on that pain point.
For instance: “Hey, I know that person/assignment/customer/friend/project really sapped your energy last week. How are you holding up? Have you had a chance to catch your breath?”
Just a simple change from “how are you?” to something much more specific communicates three things:
- First, you noticed they went through something hard.
- Second, you kept them in mind.
- And third, you cared enough to follow up.
A specific check-in takes time, thoughtfulness, empathic attention, and genuine care. Those are key ingredients to compassionate communication. And in terms of laying groundwork for a genuine connection, they simply can’t be beat.